Loki (4.21.2006 - 5.4.2020)
I didn’t expect the next immediate post here, after recollecting Shadow, to be a post about Loki’s life. Every time I’d open this page I’d see Shadow and would lose the impetus to write, I don’t know if that would still happen so I’m actually writing this in a different word processing program so I can copy and paste it and add a few images since it’s already done, I’ll probably have to resort to that for a few posts while both Shadow and Loki are on the front page. I’ve been writing, some of it appearing in City Pages’ Food section, some of it in partial pages of various fiction projects that have gestated so long they might be Methuselan elephants.
It was 2006. I had finally switched from being a contractor to a full time employee at one of the Minnesota medical companies that people still made careers at. I'd finally moved out of my parents house after staying there after the military while I was in school and trying to establish my new career as a software developer. I started renting the basement on a coworker's side of his duplex. I checked and he said he was cool if I got a dog.
I've had dogs on and off in my life. Winky and Dinky in Arizona before I moved to Minnesota at the age of 4 or 5. A cocker spaniel named KC we re-homed for a few months a few years later. A Chesapeake Bay Retriever named Heidi that was really small for the breed was present for most of my preteen and teen years. Buffy was a Shih Tzu and poodle cross that was ostensibly my sister's but loved everyone - especially Heidi. Scruffy was my Shih Tzu buddy that lacked the defining underbite that had a bad heart murmur and died while I was in the Air Force. Rusty was one of Scruffy and Buffy's puppies, he was my mom's favorite. (I don't use pets names as a security question so I don't mind sharing this.)
Loki wasn’t a rescue, but that was my failing, not hers. I'd seen various stories about the designer dog movement and saw pictures of a puggle and fell immediately in love. I don't hero worship or care much what celebrities do, but the fact that Robert De Niro had one was also kind of cool. I researched various breeders in Minnesota and found one that had puggle puppies available soon. I'd only seen fawn coloration before, but then I saw a brindle pup with the weaning name of Juanita who'd become Loki. I picked up Loki on June 15th, 2006. She did the beagle's baying once during the car ride home, and never again.
The first thing I discovered about Loki is that she was an escape artist, she could not be contained. She'd climb fences, squeeze through impossibly small gaps, and jump out of windows. I had my phone number on the back of her dog tag. I got called a lot, whether I was at work, at a movie, out to eat, or on a cross country motorcycle trip. She didn't grow out of that until she was probably 10 years old.
For a good portion of her life it was her, Shadow, and me. They were always together, playing, grooming, napping. Besides a couple times Shadow would get protective over his food, it was great. After Shadow passed, Loki never stopped looking for him. I think even in these final months, some of the time I'd see her go to different rooms and look around, she was looking for him.
When it was just me and her I tried to take her to as many dog friendly patios as possible so she could see other dogs and people, things that made her happy. The Howe, Hai Hai, and Meyvn were some we frequented. I was hoping she would get one last patio adventure, the current state of the world decided otherwise.
Her age started catching up to her late last year, less limber, no more jumping, slightly less tail wagging, groaning with most movements. In December she choked on her food for the first time, so that's when I started grinding it up into smaller pieces. Sometime in late January or early February she lost the range of hearing that let her hear my voice, though she could still hear loud bangs and high pitched noises. I hope I was facing her often enough saying "see you later,""I love you," "you're such a good girl," and "Loki's my baby" when she was younger so she could read my lips these past few months when I continued to say them.
Last month she started choking on the finely ground food and started getting really bad diarrhea, so I took her to the vet. Antibiotics and the bland food temporarily took care of the diarrhea, but couldn't do anything for the enlarged heart and liver, the mass growing in her throat, or the spots in her lungs. She choked again on some of the canned dog food the vet provided and I had to clear her airway for the third time in a month - getting my hands pretty cut up on her teeth in the process. So I started blending her food with water to get it to a more liquid consistency. That worked a while until she didn't want to eat anymore, I started blending it with chicken too, that worked for a couple of days, until it didn't.
The diarrhea came back after the antibiotic course was finished. Then she'd start to aspirate when trying to drink water, unable to really keep down as much as she drank. That's when I knew it was time for goodbye. That last weekend I would constantly second guess myself wondering if it was time. Then when I took her for her first walk on the day the vet was scheduled to come to our house and help me say goodbye, the angle of the sun along the path she chose to walk was illuminated in such a way that the shadows cast looked like I was walking Loki and Shadow together again. I'm not one to believe in signs, but it helped me get ready to say goodbye.
She was the best, and I'm thankful and lucky I got nearly 14 years with her. I hope whatever energy, soul, or what have you persists and that hers has found Shadow's and someday I'll be lucky enough to find them too. If not? I have the comfort of the idea and the memories of them. Love your pets for me. Look at them when you tell them you love them, give them a sign to go with the words and actions so they can always know.
As always, I love you Loki, you're such a good girl, you're my baby. I'll see you later.
